2007-03-01 - 10:39 p.m.
and i was so sure that there was nothing wrong with her. and that she would be perfectly fine after recuperating for 2 weeks, maybe.
i can't help but feel angry that it didn't go my way. my way meaning i didn't want her to go the way she did, partly for my own interest but mostly for hers.
i think if i hadn't seen her at all i wouldn't have felt half as guilty [not that i feel damn guilty or anything]. but the thing is, i saw her pale face as she was being carried to the ambulance, and i still had the cheek to stand uselessly at the canteen and gawk stupidly at the medics while they did cpr on her. i didn't pray for her or anything. i even said, "see. this is why they should scrap napfa." it's only during someone's dying moment like this that we wish we were heroes, and not the selfish little bastards that we truly are.
and then i suddenly remember the death of someone else. someone who would have been a sportsman, and a scholar, and even the best pilot in the world. how can i laugh everyday like his death meant nothing to me? i'm very sure i loved him. i did, didn't i? i tried to be good to him while it lasted too. but it's ok. this world is horrid. best not to be a part of it.
but the one who would have made your world horrid would have been me. i cry everytime i think about you.
i'm sorry and i love you.
i'd trade in forever to just hear you say the sound of my name
but that's not why i'm here
i came down here to tell you
it rains in heaven all day long
i wanna find you so bad
and let you know i'm miserable up here without you
miserable up here without you
don't believe that it's better when you leave everything behind
don't believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die
don't believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die
-the truth about heaven, armor for sleep
